Suicide Shoe Bomber Assassin: The Art of Shoe Throwing

Iraqi Throws Shoes At Bush During Press Conference [Huffington Post | TPMTV]

The only thing that I believe is upsetting about this situation is that Muntadar al-Zaidi missed with both shoes. I can’t tell if this al-Zaidi doesn’t know how to throw things or maybe he missed on purpose. I believe that he missed because he doesn’t know how to throw shoes. Therefore, I’ve come up with a guide on how to throw a shoe for maximum damage, speed, and accuracy.

The Art of Shoe Throwing: Preparation

The Individual
There are important questions to ask oneself before throwing a shoe. Am I ready to throw the shoe? Have I had enough shoe throwing training? Do I want to simply make a statement or cause maximum damage?
Weapon of Choice
Just as important as preparing oneself mentally and physically, one should also choose the proper shoe – weight, size, shape, and aerodynamics. All of these things must be decided beforehand for effective show throwing.

The Art of Shoe Throwing: Different Shoe Throwing Methods

This Little Piggy

The “little piggy” is the toe of the shoe. Grab the toe of the shoe with the flat part of the heel facing you. Throw in a downward motion. You want the heel of the shoe to hit the target. It works with small shoes because smaller shoes are not as prone to wind resistance.

Size: Small to Medium
Weight: Light to Medium
Best Styles: women’s shoes: stillettos, high heels, low heels; open toe
Damage: 3 to 10 out of 10 depending on what part actually hit

Note: There are five degrees of “This Little Piggy” depending on where you are located.

The Big Toe

This method was developed in Great Britain when an expeditionary group visited North Africa and witnessed the women of a small tribe use this technique when angry at men and children.

Grab the big toe of the shoe with the thinnest side facing you. Throw in either a downward or side-ways manner. You want the shoe to cut through the air effectively minimizing wind resistance for a high speed, high damage shoe assault.

Size: Any
Weight: Any
Best Styles: Any flat style shoe: wingtips, oxfords, slippers
Damage: 7 out of 10

Note: Eddie Murphy is a direct descendent of this tribe [link]

Shoebola Virus

The bola, or boleadora is a throwing device made of weights on the ends of interconnected cords.

Begin by unlacing the shoes to give yourself enough string. Tie both shoes together. Now we have a shoebola. Holding the shoebola by the tied knot, swing it around building up the required momentum, then release at your target. The shoebola will deal damage as the string hits the object causing the shoes to swing around and hit.

Size: 7+
Weight: Medium to Heavy
Best Styles: thick soled; heavy work boots and shoe-boots
Damage: 8 out of 10

Note: Once the person’s been hit, expect some skin to come off.

Sling Shoe

The sling is an ancient weapon used for hunting small game prey and then adapted for war by using larger stones. Normall you would keep the sling but the shoe itself IS the sling as well.

Simply unlace the shoe. Swing the shoe around by the string and release.

Size: Medium to Large
Weight: Medium to Heavy
Best Styles: most large shoes
Damage: 5 out of 10

Note: Do not try to recover the sling

The Pharoah’s Gambit

This is one of the more primitive shoe throwing methods developed thousands of years ago by the ancient Egyptians. In the pyramids of Egypt you can find heiroglyphs depicting this ancient method of shoe throwing.

Grab the shoe and wildly throw the shoe in the direction of the target after which your guards will grab the target and go to work.

Size: Any
Weight: Any
Best Styles: Any
Damage: Death

Note: This method is still in use today. In one case, the Queen of England, in a fit of rage at her son, threw a shoe at the door as Princess Diana walked in to greet the Queen. Although she admitted the mistake to her guards…. (good thing I don’t believe in hell).

The Female Orgasm

This shoe throwing method was adapted by lesbian warrior women in ancient Mesopotamia.

Holding the toe area of shoe in your non-dominant hand, place two fingers, palm-side up, at the top portion of the heel creating a hook. You may use a thumb for stability. Pulling inward, swing up and around and release just above your head. You may use more fingers depending on the size of the shoe.

Size: Any
Weight: Any
Best Styles: Any
Damage: 3 out of 10

Note: Do not try this at home (at least don’t try to throw the chick).

Hail Mary

Just like in football, the Hail Mary is simply a long distance lob that you pray will be caught. There is no real difference in shoe throwing.

You grab a shoe however you choose, lob it, and hope your hit your target.

Size: Any
Weight: Medium to Heavy
Best Styles: Any
Damage: 7 out of 10

Note: I wouldn’t advise aiming for crowds.

The Iraqi Journalist

This is a variant of the Pharoah’s Gambit adopted by peasants as they don’t have any guards.

Grab a shoe any way you can and wildly toss it at the target.

Size: Any
Weight: Medium to Heavy
Best Styles: Any
Damage: 0 to 5 out of 10

Note: Best done at press conferences