“King of the Hill” on weeeed!

4 comments, 04/12/2008, by , in Opinion

The Setup

I don’t watch King of the Hill as often as I used to watch it. I catch it from time to time, here and there. Last night it came on at about 1pm. The episode started somber as usual. It was time for football tryouts. Hank, being the former football hero and father, wants Bobby to tryout for the team. Bobby, being the eclectic individual and somewhat polar opposite of his father, proudly goes for and gets the job of towel boy to the initial dismay of his former quarterback father. But, Hank doesn’t care as long as Bobby is somewhere in and around football.

The Twist

During one of the games, Bobby is disrespected by the coach even as the team won. This puts Bobby in a bad place. He signed up to be a towel boy, not the team’s bitch. Now, he’s not even happy doing that. As Bobby’s on his way home, he passes his neighbor Min as she’s tending to the roses in her garden. Did I mention Bobby is eclectic? He takes interest in growing his own roses. Unfortunately, Hank is not too supportive of this. He’ll accept towel boy but where’s the manhood is growing roses. Hank is raising a man, not a gardener.

This forces Bobby to seek ways to indulge his new passion. He goes to the local garden shop to purchase some bare root roses to grow. However, his dilemma is in trying to keep his hobby secret from his father. He asks the clerk if there’s a way he could grow in his closet.

Here Comes The Weed

The clerk at the garden shop tips Bobby off to a store that would help him grow plants in secret. And the name of that store: Seeds and Stems. However, when Bobby walks into the store, you see all kinds of smoking paraphernalia, most notably bongs and pipes. The clerks are at first bewildered by some kid asking for grow advice but are relieved to find out that he genuinely wants to grow roses in his closet and in secret because of his father’s disapproval. So, Bobby gets his start in horticulture, cultivation, or growing.

Unfortunately, his passion makes him forget the big game which the team lost due to their lack of a towel boy. Hank comes home furious that Bobby didn’t show up. In searching for Bobby, Hank finds him slipping out of the closet. When Hank goes to inspect, he finds the potted rose stems. After a conversation with Peggy, Hank decides to support his son, in secret. He couldn’t bare to have the neighbors know that his son was into roses.

Hardcore Grower

Hank goes back to the garden shop to find a tall and burly man who’s just as intense about growing as the most hardcore football player. He explains to Hank about the competition and that growing isn’t just some past time. It’s hard work. “It’s science and art.” When he finds out that it’s Bobby that’s doing the growing, he berates Hank for putting such a young boy through such pain. Hank is intrigued, attracted even, by the man’s high intensity and competitiveness. He wants to do more than support Bobby. He wants Bobby to be a winning grower.

Unfortunately for Hank, Bobby doesn’t have the same same intensity as his father. Hank goes back to Seeds and Stems shop to get more grow supplies and information. Upon seeing this, the clerks get serious with Hank. They let him know Bobby got the “kiddy stuff”. If he’s serious about growing, he’ll step up his game. Seeing the high costs of growing indoors, Hank persuades Seeds and Stems to sponsor him in the competition. Now, they’ve got a real indoor grow operation.
In the end, Hank ends up going way overboard and sees that he’s doing more damage to Bobby than he intended. They ended up losing the competition to the intense grower from the grow shop . Hank decides to transplant the roses outdoor in an effort to respect his son’s hobby as well as the hobby itself.

Real Marijuana Growing

I always say that marijuana growing is easy. All you need is what mother nature provides – earth, water, air, and light. However, the intense grower is right. It is science and it is art, when you want to grow the best. Growing the best marijuana is a delicate combination of biology, chemistry, genetics, math, love, and patience.

Imagine a grow operation. Organic fertilizer or synthetic salts? Organic requires things like bat guano (manure), beneficial bacteria, mycorrhizae fungi and other things. Synthetic salts requires the right combination of formula. Get any of these things wrong and you can severely underfeed or overfeed your plant, slowing growth and/or causing nutrient burn. You can test your mix with electrical conductivity (EC) meters, parts-per-million (PPM) meters, and pH testers. And that’s just what’s going on in the dirt or water solution if hydroponic.

Above ground, growers contend with air quality, proper light and intensity, temperature, humidity, insects, disease, mold, rot, and fungus. A grower has to maintain appropriate conditions to ensure the plant is healthy and strong.

Although it’s overwhelming in the beginning, you can get the hang of it quickly. $300 will get you started with a mini system growing plants no taller than two feet. Eventually, you’ll want to step your game up just like Hank did. Costs can easily reach into the tens of thousands but that’s for the commercial growers who invest in all of those lights, meters, air conditioners, dehumidifiers, carbon dioxide, and various other items.

But, the “rose buds” are worth the effort…

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About anthonytaurus

  • One time back in college I came home to my apartment all alone. My then roomate wasn’t at home. As I walked past his closed door, I noticed a neon greenish glow coming from under his door. I thought it was weird, so I opened it to investigate. It was then that I foundout that he had been trying to grow a couple plants in the crib. When he got home I questioned him on it. He said he got tired of having to pay for weed so he decided to take matters into his own hands.

  • lol no no no, those aren’t mine my dear. i don’t grow anything but facial hair *wink wink* lol. but yeah, supposedly the 09-10 season will be the last for KOH. mike judge, the creator, should bring back beavis and butthead.. that would be awesomeness. lol

  • Are those your plants? You’re quite the botanist, Ant! Love King of the Hill. Heard it’s going off the air tho.